Restless dreams
“In my restless dreams I see it in front of me. The cottage in the woods, where you used to take me when I was young. You had just found out about my sickness back then.
Do you remember how you carried me inside when I didn’t have the strength to stand up, and how you wrapped me in that old blanket, the one that smelt like vinegar? You kept me warm whilst trying to light the fire.
We both grew older and with time your strength faded, still you carried me. From strange receptions to similar rooms, through sterile white corridors filled with smiling women, I could never understand why everyone seemed to know the problem but me. Your hair started to change into a pale white color as time moved on. I’d like to think each straw of hair turned white for every good deed you had done in your life, for there were many.
Do you remember how you held my hand with tears in your eyes? How you couldn’t find the courage to say goodbye. After all; you were supposed to leave the world behind before I did, not the other way around, wasn’t it? Could you remember the words you said to me?
‘Not like this. Never like this.’ I liked what you said, it meant so much to me.
Still, if only you knew how grateful I was for all you did to me, even though I never had the strength to speak.
I hope you are no longer in pain, now that your life has become less of a burdened existence now than back then.
I will always love you dad.
Love
Carol”
Dad found the letter in the mailbox on the day marking 11 years since she had passed away. New Year’s Eve. For the first time since then, he actually managed to smile, if only for a little while.
Do you remember how you carried me inside when I didn’t have the strength to stand up, and how you wrapped me in that old blanket, the one that smelt like vinegar? You kept me warm whilst trying to light the fire.
We both grew older and with time your strength faded, still you carried me. From strange receptions to similar rooms, through sterile white corridors filled with smiling women, I could never understand why everyone seemed to know the problem but me. Your hair started to change into a pale white color as time moved on. I’d like to think each straw of hair turned white for every good deed you had done in your life, for there were many.
Do you remember how you held my hand with tears in your eyes? How you couldn’t find the courage to say goodbye. After all; you were supposed to leave the world behind before I did, not the other way around, wasn’t it? Could you remember the words you said to me?
‘Not like this. Never like this.’ I liked what you said, it meant so much to me.
Still, if only you knew how grateful I was for all you did to me, even though I never had the strength to speak.
I hope you are no longer in pain, now that your life has become less of a burdened existence now than back then.
I will always love you dad.
Love
Carol”
Dad found the letter in the mailbox on the day marking 11 years since she had passed away. New Year’s Eve. For the first time since then, he actually managed to smile, if only for a little while.
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